It’s always someone’s fault, right?

We went to the local carnival yesterday. It was hot as hell but we were enjoying the day, regardless. Before heading home, Mark suggested we take Julian on a “baby ride.” So we purchased tickets and walked to the entrance of a ride that looked harmless. I asked the attendant if it was ok for Jules to ride, he nodded and took our tickets.

After sitting down and strapping in, we were all smiles and excited. Expecting the ride to be a mellower version of Dumbo at Disneyland, we quickly became aware that we were in over our heads...

As the ride continued to get faster, bobbing up and down, my anxiety grew. I tried to keep my cool as I held on to Julian as comfortably tight as possible, all while damning myself and Mark for being “bad” parents. Terrible words were coming out of my mouth as Julian’s discomfort grew and he started fussing. Even though he never got to a crying point (I probably got closer than he did), it was a very inappropriate ride for him to be on.

First I blamed Mark for suggesting we go on this ride and not “looking before we leaped.” Then I blamed the attendant for letting us get on the ride and for not even making sure Jules was in the seatbelt with me and Mark. Then, I blamed myself. I blamed myself, hard.

I woke up this morning, still blaming myself for taking Jules on something so inappropriate for his age. I should have known better. This was bad parenting.

I still feel a heavy heart for putting him through that. I wish I could experience things like Mark sometimes. It happened, he didn’t like it and then he moved on. I tend to hold on to things longer, especially when I feel I’m at “fault.”

At the end of the day, aside from a bit of discomfort, we’re all ok. Thank goodness the story ended the way it did, Mark and I putting our best fake smiles on saying “weeeee!” in attempt to lighten the mood for our ten-month old son. Jules fussed. Ok…

It was a great reminder to be tender with Julian, to research before jumping in, to be forgiving to others when things take an unexpected turn, and especially to be tender and forgiving to myself. A good friend once said, you can only be as good to others as you are to yourself. Noted.

I also wrote an apology in Julian’s journal. That helped a lot, too… and I’m pretty sure he’s forgiven me as well :).

If we practice being forgiving and tender with ourselves, imagine how peaceful our relationships with others could be. What can you forgive yourself for today?