Loss & Miscarriage


A dear friend is going through some hard times. Actually, “hard times” is a severe understatement. Life is beating her up.

What do you do when someone you love so dearly is going through the ringer?

We were on the phone last Saturday night. Conversations these days are few and far between. We caught up about generic-life items. I tried to sound happy but my stomach felt queasy. I know her too well.

We’ve been friends for decades. Mere minutes into the conversation, I knew there was bad news. Again.

Another death in the family. Another miscarriage.

I’ve lost count and didn’t have the heart to ask how many it’s been. I tried to comfort and give her space. Then, without hesitation, the words “I’m so pissed!” came out of my mouth and I just started to bawl.

I told her how angry I was that this keeps happening to her. What I wanted to say was that she has the most tender heart of anyone I know. That she’s such a good person and doesn’t deserve this. That this isn’t fair. But I held back. I didn’t want to add to what’s already spinning through her mind and said in despair “I don’t even know what to say right now...” We cried together. Then I just listened.

I listened about her plans to try again and next steps if it’s another failed attempt. My heart dropped thinking about her going through this again. But she’s determined to follow her own path, against the suggestions of anyone. She apologized for pushing me away. I felt her creating distance and knew it's what she needed. Absolutely no hard feelings, my love. 

We were pregnant at the same time. She was a month behind me and we would share early pregnancy stories. We’d send each other photos of ultrasounds and baby bumps. We’d talk about how our bodies were changing. Morning sickness. Baby names. I was so damn elated that I got to raise a baby with her. It filled my heart everyday. Then days after she announced the miracle, it happened again.

This friend is a giver. A giver of her time, energy and heart. She always includes people. She’s thoughtful and sends care packages just because. She has a warmth that will quickly make her your favorite person. Even my in laws love her. She makes you laugh because she’s goofy and the perfect amount of weird. She loves and accepts my weirdness and I’ve always felt comfortable being 100% myself around her. Holding grudges is not in her vocabulary. She’s been bitten twice by the same dog and still continues to cuddle him relentlessly. I’m so insanely angry at life for putting her through this. Again. And Again.

Life. I know that you have a plan and a path for her. I know that everything happens as it’s supposed to. I’m usually one of those annoying people who’s on your side. I say “everything will be alright” and “it can only get better from here.” But Life… I’m pleading with you to please help heal my friend’s heart. Please help her discover joy again. Please help this make her stronger and let each step through this process lead her to a new path of connection and love. Let her be wowed by a new sense of energy. Discover a new closeness. Let her be loved and let all the love she gives to others, overwhelm her 1,000 times over.

I usually have so many answers. They’re all gone. I wish I had some way to fix this for her.

I’m praying for and sending love to everyone struggling to have a baby. Be kind, loving and tender to yourself. Find ways to create joy in your life. Goodness knows, this is the time you need it most. And remember this, too, shall pass.

If you have experience with miscarriages or have any resources to comfort my friend and anyone reading this, please share in the comments section. The power of thought is strong. Please send my friend your good vibes and prayers.

To my dear friend: I love you with all my heart. I'm here as much as you need me and I'll do anything you need to support you. You are the strongest person I know and you are not alone in this journey. Though the impact can’t compare to what you must be going through, I feel this with you.