Cannibalism... And The Other 10 Things They Don't Tell You About Postpartum


At my baby brother in law's birthday party in a swanky downtown San Francisco lounge, a newly married girlfriend questioned me about all my postpartum details. Lol. It was an easy way to get any man who tried talking to us, out of the conversation! 

My friend and her hubby are starting to 'try.' I was surprised that she was surprised by what came out of my mouth. Then again, no one told me that I'd be spraying breast milk without warning! See my list below for a glimpse of your possible future. 

  1. Postpartum doesn’t just refer to “postpartum depression.” It simply refers to after you have the baby. And this phrase seems to be commonly misunderstood. Whenever I say postpartum to non-mom friends, they assume it to mean I have postpartum depression.

  2. After you have the baby, your body could be about the size you were at six months pregnant. I had a little pouch I named Gabby (the alternative name before my parents chose Jessica). Gabby is pretty much gone now and we parted ways when Wes was around a year. If you workout regularly, it can happen sooner. All bodies are different and love yourself no matter if your 'Gabby' sticks around for a permanent residence or couch cruising vaca.

  3. You will feel like a life-size Gumby. Your abs and spine will feel weak and core muscles, almost non-existent. Mine stayed liked this for a couple months.

  4. Leading up to my delivery, every other mother said “you won’t remember labor pains.” I’m not sure why they proactively told me that but I definitely remember them (and it doesn’t scare me enough to not want to go through it again, FYI).

  5. If you got your placenta encapsulated, no matter how weird you thought it was previously, you’ll likely take the pills at least a couple times. (To show you support, your husband might offer to take one with you – at least mine did! Damn, cannibal!)

  6. You may be hesitant (some friends said they were even scared) to go #1 or #2 because things are, um, sensitive down there.

  7. If you’re nursing, you may randomly start leaking or spraying breast milk. Thirsty, anyone?

  8. In the days immediately after labor, it can feel like someone is literally pulling you back when you’re trying to walk at a normal pace.

  9. Ahhh. You can sleep on your back again!

  10. But wait! You think your hips were tight during pregnancy? The bounce-back made them tighten even more for me. Suddenly, being hit on my glutes felt amazing!

  11. Read as much as you can and want, before the baby comes. I wish I read less about the stages of pregnancy and more about the early stages of infancy and baby care. Spare yourself and read the Cliff’s Notes version of the Mayo Clinic’s pregnancy book. Be cool like my mom-friends and read Bringing Up Bebe. I'm not cool -- I didn't read it but I get great advice from my friends who did!

If you haven't experienced labor, what are some things you've heard that shocked you?! If you have gone through it or are a seasoned vet, shed some light on things you wish someone told you before you went into labor!