How Our Second Child Made Our Family feel In Balance
A good friend once said that having her second child brought the family closer. “There was balance,” she said. Hearing that gave me hope.
“Mommy, take him out of your belly. I want to hug him,” Jules told me at bedtime. He wrapped his plush little arms around my stomach, hugged my belly tightly, and kissed it. Jules was the only one we told that our new son would be “James.”
During my pregnancy with James, I was more anxious than my previous pregnancy with Jules. We evacuated for almost 3 weeks during the fires. I worried about how bringing James home would impact my relationship with Jules… and with my husband Mark. I already didn’t have “enough” time with Wes and worried that it may be too soon to have another.
The night before we left for the hospital, Jules was in the bath and I explained that I wouldn’t be here to tuck him in for a few nights so that we could go “find Baby James” He stopped what he was doing and said, “No… I’m going to miss mama,” and started to cry. My heart broke. I had never spent a night away from him and I felt sad that this would be the end of the Three Musketeers.
While Julian’s delivery was physically challenging, James’ delivery was emotionally tough. My claustrophobia was at a peak and getting an epidural terrified me. I used everything I had to power through, and ultimately gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, and amazing baby boy. Mark and I couldn’t wait to get home and introduce the new brothers.
When Jules saw Mark and I for the first time, he squealed and hugged us for twenty minutes while James slept in his crib in the nursery. When there was a pause in the squealing, I asked Jules if he wanted to check James’ room to see if he had arrived, and Jules excitedly led us to James’ room, peeked in his crib, and was beside himself to see “little Baby James” for the first time. “Tickle, tickle, little baby!” Jules said with delight. “Make him naked-butt, mama!” he requested. So we did, and Jules had his first skin to skin experience with his baby brother.
When we introduced Dixon to Dobby at the animal shelter, the adoption employee who was interviewing us described the ideal first meeting… not overly excited, nor aggressive. Just happy to see each other and respectful of each other’s space. When Julian met James, he was stoked as hell, but also tender, sweet, and so gentle with him. He was gentle and maintained a natural amount of caution while holding a small being for the first time.
Now I know at some point they’re going to want to perform WWF style moves on each other when we’re not looking. They are already learning the struggles of sharing and upsets happen when Jules won’t share his pool squirter, or James wants a turn with Jules’ tricycle. But – they share Mark and I almost flawlessly. They seem to have naturally accepted sharing the love from both of us, and that is what is most touching of all.
As I thought back, I realized that we weren’t quite the Three Musketeers before James came. Mark often felt left out (and rightly so) because it was “always Jess and Jules.” In fact, we were quite unbalanced. While we are still working on balance in our marriage, within our family the love is spreading in such a beautiful way. Things feel in alignment.
During spontaneous family dance sessions, we each have a partner. James runs to Mark with open arms and his favorite word is “Dada.” (For a while, anything exciting and cool was also “Dada,” which Mark took great pride in!) Since I was waking to nurse James, I couldn’t also take Jules’ night wakeups, so Mark took over and now Wes calls for his “Papa” at night. Jules can play it cool in front of me, but I see how he cuddles close to his daddy at bedtime and he giggles louder than ever when they’re playing.
Some of my most heartwarming family-moments have been seeing all my boys bond. Even though it’s so sad to hear James cry, when he cries after Mark leaves the room it makes me happy that Mark gets to experience that level of closeness with our boys. I can’t put James and Jules on a bed together without them starting a cuddle-wrestling match, where they’re giggling non-stop. Since James was about 8 months old, they developed a silly grunting brother language that they use during these cuddle-wrestle moments, on bike and car rides, when they see each other for the first time after naps, and even (gasp!) before bedtime.
Hands down, my favorite moment was on the morning of James’ first birthday, when Jules quietly opened James’ bedroom door, walked into his room and watched him sleep. He even put his hand through the crib and gently rested it on James’ sleeping body. That image will always be close to my heart. When Mark brought Jules back to his room, he said, “Daddy, I love Baby James. He is the best little brother.” Jules has done this a few times since, and it never gets old. He’s finally figured out how to climb into James’ crib, and it fills me up to watch them on the baby monitor as they play, giggle, cuddle-wrestle, communicate, and build a bond when they think we’re not looking.
James didn’t come “too soon.” He came at the perfect time and evolved the Three Musketeers into what has become our Tribe.
My friend was right – in so many ways, the love feels more balanced in our family. Mark with both boys, both boys with each other, both boys with me, and Mark and I with each other. I can’t imagine our lives without James; he far exceeds anyone I could have ever dreamed up.
Reflecting on how we have all bonded over the last several weeks during quarantine has been something I will always cherish. When all is surreal, unsettled, and strange in the world, I have learned through this experience the infinite value of hunkering down as a family, and finding the balance together.