I am Officially an Asshole

Most nights we do an evening routine with Jules -- take a bath, brush teeth, put on PJs, and so on.  Lately, Jules seems to have developed a routine of his own… resistance and screaming. Tonight was no exception.  

I’ve tried so many tricks: making Tommy the Toothbrush sob, “Jules, it’s Tommy here.  I’m so sad that no one wants to brush their teeth with me.  Boo hoo hoo…” Jules will usually tell Tommy that he loves him, and he would like him to brush his teeth.  He’ll even come out of the tantrum, asking Tommy to sleep on his headboard. Success, I’ll think.  Then there are my mind tricks: “Ok, Jules, mommy is going to try out this new bubble gum toothpaste.  I’m sorry you have to miss out…” Or, I’ll have Tommy say, “I do not want to brush Julian’s teeth.  Yuck. I don’t want to go in that stinky mouth, mommy!” “Tommy, you’re keeping Jules up past bedtime and he cannot go to bed until you brush his teeth!” To which Jules will usually run over and say, “I want you to brush my teeth, Tommy!” Score! I’m good at this, I’ll think… 

But tonight, none of this worked.  After drawing a face with bathtub crayons on the toilet failed to entice Jules to pee before bed, I ultimately pulled down his pants in front of the toilet while he screamed and sprayed pee everywhere.  I brushed as many teeth as I could, as Jules opened his mouth to scream, and scream again. I told him that I was tired of this screaming, that he resists brushing his teeth and going pee every night, and that it... must... stop!

Once we were finally in his bed cuddling, I came to my senses and realized how triggered I was by his resistance.  I strive to teach my boys to be gentle, but when I picked him up off the floor and put him in front of the potty, I wasn’t gentle.  While I didn’t yell, I didn’t “use a nice voice” – it certainly exceeded firm – and was just plain angry.  

Me: “I’m sorry for getting angry and losing my cool with you, Jules.  I get so frustrated when we go through this every night. I wish bedtimes could be more peaceful.”  

Jules: “I’m sorry, mommy,” he replied immediately.  

Me: “It’s not ok, Jules.” 

Jules: “No! I’m sorry, mommy,” he said in a desperate attempt to make it okay.  

Me: “I know you’re sorry but this happens regularly and it’s just not okay,” I said firmly. 

Jules: “I’m sorry, mommy.  I screamed and screamed, mommy.  I did not want to brush my teeth.”  

Me: “I know, and I didn’t mean to handle you rough.  I wasn’t gentle. I am sorry.”  

Jules: “You were rough with me, mommy?  When were you not so gentle?”  

Me: “When I picked you up from the floor and put you in front of the potty.”  

Jules: “And then what happened?”  

Me: “And then you cried and screamed while you peed and while I brushed your teeth.  I’m really sorry, Bubba. I’ll be more gentle and patient next time.”  

Jules: “That’s okay, mommy.   That’s okay... Next time I won’t be so hard when I have to do stuff.  Like going pee pee. But not brushing my teeth, mommy. I don’t like brushing my teeth.”  

He cuddled close, closed his eyes, and soon after he said, “I love you, mommy,” he fell asleep. 

In that moment I felt as small as an ant.  I could have said that I accepted his apology and that his behavior wasn’t okay, but that I forgave him.  Instead, I held onto it. Yet he had accepted my apology so sweetly, agreed to some change, and snuggled up like nothing happened.  In that moment, I was sure that I was the biggest asshole, loved by the sweetest little bubba. To make matters worse, I didn’t realize that he was coming down with one of the worst flus he’s had in three years and struggled with a fever of 104 all night… yes, indeed.  I am an asshole.  

Mark assured me that I wasn’t really an asshole (at least, that evening!), but I really carried it with me for awhile.  Have you ever done something out of frustration that you immediately regretted? Did you make it right? Please feel free to commiserate your low moments in the comments.